So just the other day, I was sent on a mission to steal documents from the white house, and they were Microsoft word documents, and I was like, "Well crap, I didn't bring a flash drive for this, and I can't risk logging onto my own email while on the White House's internet" so I decided to just steal the whole computer and send the documents to myself later. So now I have a computer from the White House in my apartment. It's pretty awesome, but I feel kind of bad because now they're going to have to buy a new one, and that's just going to add to US debt.

So what are some of the things you've done outside of working for the Leader?

Ha-Ha. T'is story of yours has almost made me smile. Kudos.

My worst mission has been precisely 631 days ago. I have been sent to a place named Guarizziátúóúrizzieña - it is one of the native islands in the Torres Strait Islands near Australia. Anyway, I was sent there to retrieve a stolen artifact of great emotional value to the Queen. It turned out that the intel was wrong, and that was the wrong island. So I've set up dozens of traps and manipulated my rank up in the island, and all for nothing. The island is so isolated that it took me two weeks just to get back to the HQ. I had to choke five natives in order to steal that boat, and then sail it back home.

Horrible.

That reminds me of Berlin 1985, back when I was still operating under some French master of intelligence nicknamed L'Enfant Terrible. I was to steal documents from the CIA in West Berlin. So I smoothtalk my way into the building and get to the room where all the documents were held. Turn out they recently updated everything to a computer instead of paper files. The information I was ordered to steal would take up about 5,000 floppy discs and the internet wasn't widely available yet. Secrecy was essential to the mission, so stealing the harddrive wasn't an option either. So I simply programmed a fatal error into the computer. I hacked into the phoneline, so when they called for the IT guy, they got me instead. I convinced them to let me take the entire thing with me to the repair shop, where I could copy over all the data at my leisure.

Ha-Ha. Nicely done. Although I would have just connected their wire to my computer. They would have been connected as always, but all data went through me.

I understand you are of more age than I. I only started operating undercover in '95.

Yes, I started back in the late 70s, when tuxedos were the essential wear instead of the bullet proof vest, when you could still drink martinis on the job without getting yelled at, and when there were at least 5 different girls waiting in your bedroom when you returned (and on a good night these wouldn't even be assassins hired to kill you).

I see.

So then I believe it would not be peculiar to guess that your weapons of choice are some kind of a sawn-off shotgun and a simple army knife? Or perhaps you are even more old-school, and you like the double-barrel hunting rifle?

I myself prefer a silenced M40A4/5 sniper rifle when mission requirements and conditions allows; and for closer combat a Benelli, despite the Italiano origins. As for knives, I'm an expert with any blade shorter than 8''. I tend to like hand-to-hand combat though; haven't lost a single fight of those.

Yes! I have infiltrated your base! Prepare to die!

Must be a new recruit.

Welcome to the team! Now get to work. You have much to learn.

I'm a red spy. And I'm here to capture the flag.

Private, Capture The Flag is for mere tikes who train! I thought you knew that.

*steal briefcase.

I keep on forgetting that even though the mode is called capture the flag you don't actually capture any flag.

Who's the medic? pyro?

The medic is Agent Bluefields. I believe he is absent at the moment, but he'll figure it out I'm sure.

Agent Gold. This is not Team Fortress 2. Stop playing on Steam and come down for dinner.

I was able to get access to a secret forum board on IceCaves and it turns out they are planning to obliterate us. Haily and Livio are behind this.

I have more information. The code name for this attack is "operation green water."

Livio and Haily have been eliminated days ago and their accounts have been taken over by our agents. What you think are Livio and Haily are actually Agent Pretty Pink and Agent Metallic Oregano.

[Declassified In 2062]  

April fools.