The only good jokes I can think of are ones that are at the back of a TV Guide. I'm not sure if I should post them or not, but if you want a bit of a smile, (at least!) here's a joke from one guide...
What do you get if you cross a cow and a duck? Cream quackers.
See, pretty lame. But lemme just say, that even years after I first read that joke, I never ever said crackers the same way ever again. Even to this day I still confuse the two words. All because of this one joke!
The Coffin Joke
So, there's this normal man. he works in an office and, after a hard days work, he stops off at a pub on the way home. there are two routes home, one a short cut, but through a suposedly haunted graveyard, the other the long way round, he goes the long way. So one day he had a really hard day at work, and got quite drunk at the pub. Now tonight (which happened to be a full moon) he was so tired and drunk he thought. "I will go down the short cut tonight to save time, as I'm so tired and drunk, there's no such thing as ghosts." So he set of into the graveyard. About halfway across, he heard a noise, ker klunk. " What's that" thought the man. But he kept on walking. Then again ker klunk, ker klunk. The man spun around, now quite scared, and there, silhouetted against the full moon was a coffin standig up. The man turned and walked a few steps. Ker klunk, ker klunk. He span around and sure enough the coffin was closer. He turned and ran towards the graveyard exit, "Surely he it could not follow him out of the graveyard?" Ker klunk, ker klunk, ker klunk. The coffin was closing in. The man sprinted through the graveyard gate and up the road. Ker klunk, ker klunk, ker klunk. The coffin was out of the graveyard. The man sprinted along the roads to his house, but the coffin was closing the gap. Ker klunk, ker klunk. He ran up to his front door opened it, and then slammed and locked it behind him. "Surely the coffin couldn't get through there?" Ker klunk, ker klunk ,ker CRASH! The door was flung away and the man sprinted upstairs. "Surely a coffin can't climb stairs?" Ker klunk, ker klunk. Much to his horror the coffin was climbing the stairs. He sprinted down the landing and into a bathroom, which he locked behind him. "Surely a coffin can't get through a locked bathroom door?" Ker klunk, ker CRASH! The door splintered but did not break. Ker CRASH! The door splintered again but still held firm. Ker CRASH! with a final push the coffin smashed down the door. The man was now trapped, so he did what any man would do, and started chucking anthing he could at the coffin. First some soap, nothing happend. Then a towel, nothing happend. He then reached into the medicine cabinet, and threw some assorted pills and bottles, nothing happend. He reached in again and threw some Calpol, nothing happened. He then reached right to the back and threw some cough medicine. The coffin stopped.
Ok I've got some random ones:
There were two cows in a field. One says 'Moo' and the other one says 'Hey, I was about to say that.'
There were two horses standing in a field. One says 'I'm so hungry I could eat a horse.' The other horse replies 'Moo'.
How does a mummy start a letter?
'Tomb it may concern...'
What happend to the ship that ran aground on a purple beach?
It was marooned.
Here's a joke from a play that I had and performed in last week:
Spoiler:
(A tuxedo clad vampire converses with a man dressed in very normal clothes)
Vlad: (heavy transylvanian accent) It is time. You have walked with the vampires these last few weeks, and you have shown you are ready.
Michael: I have.
Vlad: Tonight, Michael, you will be bitten and become one of us.
Michael: What are the promotion prospects?
Vlad: Bare your neck to me and I will give you this eternal gift.. what do you mean, 'promotion prospects'?
Michael: I just wanted to ask you a few questions. Eternity's a long time..
Vlad: Promotion prospects? It's not a civil service!
Michael: How to I advance through the ranks?
Vlad: What? Well, when you turn more people into vampires, you empower yourself.
Michael: So it's like pyramid selling, right?
(Vlad is getting angry)
Michael: okay, I'll be honest with you/ I've been running with the werewolves and they have a great recruitment package.
Vlad: The werewolves? What the hell do those mutant poodles have that we don't?
Michael: They get to go out during the day, they can lick their own--
(Vladimir is almost raging) But you spend most evenings wearing real fur and avoiding the animal rights campaigners!
Michael: The dress code is a bit less formal.
Vlad: Tuxedos never go out of style--and atleast we don't get fleas.
Michael: Fair enough, but they're not my only options. The zombies are after me.
Vlad: The zombies are after everyone. That's why they're zombies.
Michael: I mean they're headhunting me. Well, they seem a bit focused on my brain.
Vlad: So what else do you want to know?
Michael: What are the perks? Do I get dental?
(Vlad is beyond raging) Are you having a go at me?*
Michael:What's the retirement package like?
Vlad: It's a stake through the heart. Vampires never retire.
Michael: The werewolves promised me a golden handshake.
Vlad: More like a silver bullet! Look, Michael, make your mind up. Vampires, Werewolves, Zombies, pick a team.
Michael: It's so hard! I want to suck the life out of people, I like the idea of being a dog, but the pursuit of flesh appeals to me!
Vlad: Then I have a solution for you. I'll put you in touch with Linsay Lohan.
*That sentence was changed, due to vulgar language.
I can't believe I read through this thing. it took me 2 days with the university homework. 2 days. and the punchline...i expected more, but it was fine