Aww, I wish you could give someone +2 karma at once instead of just +1.

Even when I'm typing this 30 seconds later, I'm still laughing hard at your jokes. =)

Among Real Men, there has been a saying "Never settle with words what you can accomplish with a flamethrower".
Never moon a werewolf.
Never buy a pit bull from a one-armed man.
Never make an obtuse comment about a triangle. It just isn't right.
Never strike any one so old, small, or weak that verbal abuse would have sufficed.
Never accept a drink from a urologist.
Never visit a doctor whose office plants have died.

Don't go to a vet if he tells you his last pet died of a faulty injection...

LOL.

Yeah, LOL.

"Aww crap, I lost my keys..."
"Well, where'd you leave them?"
"Ugh, that's the whole point!"
"Did you check your pockets?"
"Nooo! I'm saving those for LASSSTT! Let's keep digging in the backyard!"

My medicine says "Use only as directed," so when I take it I always yell "ACTION!"

Voldemort's parents took the "I got your nose!" game WAY too seriously..

Plus karma! Lol.

Lol Ced +1

Just a few jokes I found on Twitter.

lol!

-not canon

Lol, Ced. Nice one.

So I got a call from some relief organization today.  They asked me to donate some clothes for starving people around the world.  I told them to forget it.  Anyone that fits into my clothes isn't starving.

I don't hate you, but if you were on fire and I had water, I'd drink it

Well that made me smile.

If I was in a room with you, bin Laden and Saddam Hussein and I had a gun with only two bullets, I'd shoot you twice

(much better variant)

How does lady GaGa like her steaks?

Lol, Jorster. At first I really couldn't guess what was in that spoiler but afterwards... it seemed soooo opbvious. Pretty funny.

Did you guys hear about that earthquake caused by stampeding cows?
It was cattle-strophic.

A man inserted an advertisement in the classified: "Wife Wanted."
The next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing:
"You can have mine."

Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good looking?
Because those men already have boyfriends.

VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj.
Female: Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another.
Male: Playing football without a helmet.
(note that neither of these definitions is actually an adjective....)

He said.. Do you love me just because my father left me a fortune?
She said.. Not at all honey, I would love you no matter who left you the money.

A wife complains, "A wall clock almost killed my mother today. It fell only seconds after she got up from the couch."
Her husband mumbled, "Clock always was slow."

In a small town in the US, there is a rather sizable factory that hires only married men.
Concerned about this, a local woman called on the manager and asked him, "Why is it you limit your employees to married men? Is it because you think women are weak, dumb, cantankerous..or what?"
"Not at all, Ma'am," the manager replied. "It is because our employees are used to obeying orders, are accustomed to being shoved around, know how to keep their mouths shut and don't pout when I yell at them."

While her husband was lying down, his wife removed his glasses. "You know, honey," she said sweetly, "Without your glasses you look like the same handsome young man I married."
"Honey," he replied with a grin, "Without my glasses, you still look pretty good too!"

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sexism

This is not a joke.

...I'm not getting your point.

He's probably pointing that at me. Also, I don't care.